My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
