i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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