I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
