Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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