I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
She picked a quarter off the floor, kissed it "for luck" and won the $20,000 jackpot. She bought dinner and stayed sober to drive us home. This is a typical example of a visit with my sister.
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