I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
It's rum buckets o'clock
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
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