My girlfriend figured out who you are.
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
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