Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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