It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
