last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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