I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
