I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
you had me at cake vodka
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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