What did we do last night that was yellow?
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
