He's been sleeping iwht ***
Nooo
Yeah I don't even know how, she looks like her mom smoked crack while she was in the womb
And then hit her in the face with a shovel
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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