when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
You are hungover. Your arguments are irrational an incoherent. We only played twice. Have some Gatorade and take a knee.
Randomize
