Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
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