Church boner. Awkwardddd
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
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