This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
The sad thing was my husband told her its ok to make out with me. Bar Tuesdays will live on regardless.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
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