why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
I feel like a pizza delivery girl of vagina tho
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
Randomize
