That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
