I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
How does it feel to date your dad?
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