dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
