I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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