And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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