I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
