my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I totally straight up jacked your pants. I am so sorry.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
