I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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