How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
Randomize
