Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I need to stop getting in the car with my dad when im rolling balls. I think he's starting to notice my eyes aren't usually completely pupil
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
Randomize
