Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
