seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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