You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Randomize
