i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
hey dude, just got with the girl in H4. so mark H off the apartment list
haha we are half through our lease and already checked off 17 letters
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
