I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
foreskin is a definite game changer
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
