i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
u r missing out we r watching a tranny direct traffic in a gstring
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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