I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
