Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
