Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
