did you get engaged???
Can Purell be used as lube?
I'm eating all of the evidence.
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
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