Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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