Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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