Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
