Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Sorry about my life...
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
