Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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