I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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