I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I'll put it this way. My grandkids felt that fuck.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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