Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
PUT DOWN THE JOINT AND STEP AWAY FROM THE TRUSTAFARIAN
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
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