Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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