Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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