my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
